In today’s culture, marriage and all it entails, from dating/courtship to the engagement season to the big day, can feel overwhelming. Per usual, society tends to make this God-ordained union between one man and one woman less about the beautiful gravity of the eternal bond and more about the performance of it all. Things weren’t so in biblical times, especially in Jewish households. As such, we can’t label Mary and Joseph’s engagement quite the same way we would label a modern-day engagement.
Rather than glamour and fanfare, marriages in first-century Israel were often conducted in the name of survival. Thus, there was a much deeper significance to the engagement besides a ring and fancy photos. In fact, if a biblical-times engagement was to be broken off, it required a formal divorce. This is the conundrum in which we find Joseph in Scripture, once Mary has revealed her pregnancy. He is left with two options: to trust Mary or honor the law and break off their engagement.
As Mary and Joseph’s journey unfolds and Christ is born, several key Bible passages reveal that the young couple’s marriage wasn’t yet consummated, but according to Jewish culture, their engagement allowed them to be considered husband and wife (Matthew 1:20-25, NIV).
In fact, further in their story, the Bible goes so far as to identify Mary as Joseph’s “wife” before the birth of Christ. Thus, we can view Mary and Joseph as husband and wife prior to Baby Jesus’ entrance into the world.
What Did a First-Century Jewish Betrothal Entail?
A first-century Jewish engagement, more precisely identified as a “betrothal,” wasn’t controlled, let alone decided, by the man and woman to be married. Often, parents arranged marriages without consulting the two young people. During the betrothal season, often a year or more, the man and woman were to await a formal wedding ceremony, when they would then consummate their marriage (enter a sexual union).
However, as we discussed briefly above, betrothals were legally binding. It was like a promise already fulfilled, a bond already established. Thus, even betrothals must be ended by legal action.
What Do the Gospels Say about Mary and Joseph’s Relationship?
Mary and Joseph’s relationship seemed to follow traditional Jewish customs. It’s likely their parents paired them together, and Scripture is clear that in this betrothal season, they had not consummated their union: “But he had no union with her as her husband until she had borne her firstborn Son; and he called His name Jesus” (Matthew 1:25, AMPC).
This explains Mary’s understandable shock when she asks the angel who tells her of her miraculous conception, “How will this be… since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34-35, NIV).
Why was their lack of sexual intimacy so important if society already considered them husband and wife? Their abstinence brought forth the prophecy found in Isaiah 7:14 (NIV): “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel” (emphasis added).
Without Mary’s virginity remaining intact, even as Joseph’s wife, the prophecy would have been left unfulfilled.
Why Did Joseph Consider Divorcing Mary?
When Joseph discovered that Mary was pregnant, it was only natural for him to be skeptical of her explanation. As young, poor Jews in a Roman-dominated world, why would they be chosen to bring forth the Messiah? Further, why would the Messiah come not as a fierce warrior but as an innocent, tiny baby?
Regardless of his doubts and the countless questions he undoubtedly had, the Bible calls Joseph a righteous man, who, rather than bringing Mary before the legal courts and, by law, having her subject to stoning, decided to legally divorce her in a quiet manner.
Matthew 1:19 (AMP) explains, “And Joseph her [promised] husband, being a just and righteous man and not wanting to expose her publicly to shame, planned to send her away and divorce her quietly.”
Here, his actions confirm this righteous character, where his concern wasn’t to make a scene and cast shame on Mary, but to abide by his religious law. However, as the righteous man he clearly was, Joseph held the highest regard for the Law Himself. So, when an angel of God appeared and confirmed that Mary was, indeed, pregnant through the Holy Spirit, the Bible shares that Joseph immediately took her as his wife:
“But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.’
All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel’ (which means “God with us”).
When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.” Matthew 1:20-25 (NIV)
Were Mary and Joseph Married When Jesus Was Born?
Matthew 1:25 makes it clear that Mary was recognized as Joseph’s wife prior to Jesus’ birth, but Joseph didn’t have sexual relations with her to consummate their union until after the birth of Christ.
What makes their marriage before Jesus’ birth so beautiful is the prophecy it fulfills. In biblical times, a child’s lineage was claimed through the father. Joseph was a descendant of David, which brings fruition to 2 Samuel 7:12-16, when David is told:
“When your days are over and you rest with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, your own flesh and blood, and I will establish his kingdom. He is the one who will build a house for my Name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul, whom I removed from before you. Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever.’”
*It’s important to note the double fulfillment found in 2 Samuel 7:14, so as not to confuse Solomon, David’s next direct biological descendant, with Christ. (In grammatical terms, the “he” in this passage isn’t always referring to Jesus.) When Scripture says, “When he does wrong,” this “he” refers only to David’s human descendants, not Christ. Thus, it’s clear that the sins of David’s human descendants will ultimately be placed on Christ’s shoulders, as He is beaten and crucified by weapons “wielded by men.”
An Important Takeaway Concerning Joseph’s Faithfulness
Joseph’s quiet and humble yet bold obedience to God, even above the standards of the law, led not only to the fulfillment of a prophecy but also to the salvation of all mankind. This man, the one who is never quoted and is absent later in the Gospels, played a pivotal role in the Messiah’s birth and the establishment of God’s eternal kingdom. What an honor!
“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…’” Isaiah 30:15 (NIV)
Learn more about Mary and Joseph's relationship:
https://content.swncdn.com/jesusorg/mp4/were-mary-and-joseph-just-engaged.mp4
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Boonyachoat
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