You Can't Change Someone Who Doesn't Want To Change - Encouragement for Today - July 16, 2026

July 16, 2026

You Can't Change Someone Who Doesn't Want To Change
LYSA TERKEURST

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“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)

I’m so tired of trying to change them.
 I’m worn out from being the one person keeping everything from going off the rails.
 I’m exhausted from all this effort, yet I never get the outcome I long for.

These were the spiraling thoughts I had, over and over, about several difficult situations I was facing. I just couldn’t let any of them go.

I had invested so much of my time and emotion in trying to fix what was beyond my control. I was learning the hard way that if someone doesn’t want to change, I must release them to the consequences of their choices.

I think this is one of the most painful situations to face with someone we love deeply. When they hurt, we hurt. So when things fall apart for them, it’s only natural to want to step in and save them. Unfortunately, trying to help someone who isn’t willing to make changes for themselves often has the opposite effect of what we want.

We want them to come to their senses. But when we prevent them from hitting rock bottom or feeling the pain of their poor choices, we actually enable them and perpetuate the problem.

I don’t like the cold reality of what I just wrote. It’s so hard to stop enabling. But it’s necessary.

Can you relate? Are there stressful situations with certain people in your life who are in a constant cycle of pushing you away when you try to share wisdom — but then desperately wanting you to rescue them from their consequences?

Others' irresponsible or risky choices stir up fear inside of us, and alarming anxiety courses through our bodies. We become desperate to stop them, change them, and get them on a better path.

We want things to get better. We want things to be right. We want security, sanity, and a steadiness to life. But if this stability depends on us fixing what is beyond our ability to fix, then that’s not true peace. That’s control. And it’s not what God has called us to.

Colossians 3:23-24 tells us what our focus should be: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

Those last eight words stop me in my tracks. I can’t honestly say I’m serving the Lord when I’m doubting His plans and frantically coming up with my own.

So what do we do when we feel we have no other choice but to hold everything and everyone together? The Lord has been teaching me to shift from control to stewardship.

A steward is someone who cares for another person but does not own their issues. I can be a responsible friend, mentor, mom, sister, daughter, and neighbor without taking on the weight of owning others' issues or managing their consequences. I can be a loving person in someone's life, but I cannot be their savior.

Here’s where I know I’ve crossed the line: I need them to be OK for me to be OK, so I hyperextend myself, my resources, my time, and my emotions to make sure they are always OK. All the while, I know they aren’t willing to change, but I hope by rescuing them, this time I will make everything better.

Here are some scripts to say to yourself when you are working on surrendering control and reframing your responsibility:

• This part is mine to carry ... and that part is God’s. 
• I am willing to live with an outcome that differs from what I wanted. 
• I can have desires for things to improve with this person without feeling like it’s my responsibility to fix what only they can change.
• I can love them without enabling their poor choices.

Friend, I know how hard it can be to release what you’re holding on to, especially when it involves someone you love. But here’s a crucial truth: What we willingly give up, God promises to take care of. He doesn’t always give us the outcome we want, but He assures us the other person or the hard situation will still be under His tender care.

And that’s the safest place for our souls to land.

God, show me what’s mine to hold and what’s Yours alone. Help me to trust in You and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). Give me wisdom to respond in faith — and peace to surrender the rest. Give me courage to want Your will above my own in every situation I face (Luke 22:42). Help me to care for the loved ones I’m concerned about without owning their issues or managing their consequences. I cast all my anxieties onto You, Lord, because I know You care for me, and You care for my people (1 Peter 5:7). In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

OUR FAVORITE THINGS

While we know we can’t ultimately control things, we can still feel compelled by something deep down to keep trying. Because what if this time we actually can fix this, convince them, redirect the outcome, and prevent what we fear will happen? If you’re stuck in this cycle, Lysa TerKeurst wrote her new book, Making Peace with What I Can’t Control, for you. In these pages, Lysa will help you stop allowing the decisions of others to rob your peace by learning what to do when you feel tempted to inappropriately intervene, rescue, or control the narrative. Preorder your copy here, and start reading the first three chapters today!

ENGAGE

Find everyday encouragement when you connect with Lysa TerKeurst here on Instagram.

FOR DEEPER STUDY

Psalm 24:1, "The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it …" (NIV).

When it feels like everything depends on you, how does it encourage you to know that everything actually belongs to God?

In what ways are you going to shift your perspective to see that you are a steward of what the Lord has ultimate ownership over? We’d love to hear from you today in the comments.

© 2026 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
www.Proverbs31.org