There is a new concept in wellness known as the “5-3-1 Rule,” and it is gaining traction, most recently highlighted in Vogue. The basic idea of the 5-3-1 Rule is to spend time with five different people or social groups each week, have three deeper conversations each month to nurture three relationships, and have one hour of social interaction each day. Proponents refer to this as “social fitness” to be considered alongside physical fitness or being mentally fit. In other words, we have to exercise being social just like we need to have a healthy diet or move our bodies.
Fans of the 5-3-1 Rule say it reduces loneliness, eases stress, and cultivates a stable network of support. What is behind this “rule”? Connection. It seems we are so disconnected that we need rules on how to cultivate social connectedness in our lives. The existence or necessity of such a rule is an indicator that the tide is pulling us away from connectedness. If we let it, we will be pulled further and further out to a sea of solitude. This is a reminder that we are supposed to swim toward the shores of social connectedness, or what we might call: community. This takes effort. The 5-3-1 Rule is an attempt to provide a system for something we used to do automatically: connect, talk, socialize. It is no longer where the tide is taking us. We have to work, try, even fight to connect.
If you laugh and think to yourself: That rule is too small! I connect with way more people on those different levels, so this probably isn’t created for you, or maybe it needs a little adjustment. If you have many small surface-level conversations and no deeper connections, maybe this is worth considering. If you can go all day without opening your mouth to speak to another person (not texting or sending memes), then maybe this is for you. Fitness has never had a one-size-fits-all dynamic. Not every guideline fits every person, but every person needs fitness. Social fitness can be connected to spiritual fitness.
It is interesting to think of relationships, or social fitness, as being part of our spiritual fitness. It’s not a new idea. Even in Hebrews 10:24-25, we are encouraged to “not give up meeting together,” but to encourage one another and spur one another toward good deeds. But maybe we just didn’t need, or didn’t think we needed, a rule or routine to help keep up our social fitness as part of our physical fitness. If God designed us for community and fellowship, let us consider how engaging in social fitness helps cultivate spiritual fitness. We are holistic creatures. Body, mind, and spirit are connected. Luke 10:27 reminds us to love the Lord with our mind, strength (body), and soul (spirit). Romans 12:1-2 involves instructions, connecting the spiritual with body and mind: offering our bodies as spiritual worship and being renewed in our minds. Is there room for a spiritual fitness routine in our spiritual fitness routine?
Like starting any routine, allow space for adjustment, flaws, failures, and mistakes. Let’s try not to worry about doing the 5-3-1 Rule “correctly.” It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just like physical exercise, they say something is better than nothing. I had a ten-minute conversation on the phone with a friend as she shared about hardship in her marriage before either of us needed to jump onto other calls. We were swift, brief, straight-to-the-point, and even cried together in those ten minutes. Does that fit into the “3” portion of the 5–3-1 Rule? I think it does. It’s quality over quantity. After all, two people can have an hour-long conversation and say nothing. This is about connection, not following a stopwatch or timer.
What I like about this 5-3-1 Rule is that it can push us to learn how to pay attention to or listen to the Holy Spirit. Where is God nudging us to engage? Where is he putting opportunities to talk to someone in our paths? Is God putting names in our hearts or minds that seem random but are purposeful? Why this person specifically? If I start each day, week, or month with a goal number of people to connect with on different levels, I am likely to pay attention to who those people might be. I am more inclined to pick up my phone and call someone. Overwhelmed by the number of contacts in my phone, I am more likely to pause and ask the Lord who to contact. The 5-3-1 Rule pulls our heads up and our focus off our own world for a moment to see what else the Lord may draw our attention to.
This is all well and good, but let’s explore the other side of the coin.
I am a mother of two young boys. If I had read this while they were infants (assuming I had the time to actually read an article at that point), I would have scoffed and cried out of hysteria. I would have also scoffed at any idea of having a regular fitness routine during that season, also. It wasn’t about fitness; it was about survival. I could barely manage to take a shower every couple of days. How was I going to connect with people? Even now, I barely keep my head above water between working, parenting, and taking care of the home. Someone recently asked me what my hobbies were. I replied by saying my kids have hobbies, and I drive them to their hobbies. I delay simple tasks for myself, like getting a haircut, because there is “no time” or “no capacity.”
And then it occurred to me, how many people are overwhelmed by proactively engaging with the 5-3-1 rule? How many people are not worried about fitness, but survival? Maybe they would welcome a call or text reaching out to them. Maybe that’s how community works, or how the Church community should work. In the seasons we are just trying to survive, those who are working on fitness hold us up and help us out. In the season we are working on fitness, we can reach out to those just trying to survive.
Recall earlier that this 5-3-1 Rule might need a little adjustment for those who are already healthy or on their way to being socially fit. Here are three adjustments that could be made:
1. Reach out to 1 person a week who you think may need a little support.
This could be a new parent, a grieving widow or widower, someone with a long-term illness, or a long-term caregiver, and so on. A simple “You’re on my heart” or “What is something happening today that I can pray for?” reminds others they are not alone. You may discover that you can provide a meal, shovel a driveway, pick up dry cleaning, or drop off a cup of coffee along the way. Just because someone isn’t swimming toward you doesn’t mean you can’t swim toward them.
2. Go on 3 walks a month while talking to someone.
Grab a co-worker or neighbor. Throw the little one in a stroller. Fire up the scooter. Even in the wintertime, it is amazing how many people will say yes when you ask, “You want to go for a short walk around the block?” This combines physical fitness, sunlight (if you’re in a sunny place), social connection, and sometimes even a time for prayer. I just met up with a college student to walk and pray around our local high school for thirty minutes. It was encouraging, social, and we both left with big smiles on our faces from our time together.
3. Go through the contacts in your phone or address book and pray for 5 people a day, and tell them you did.
Maybe it’s a phone call, or maybe it’s a text, but either way, you are connecting with the Lord on their behalf and opening a conversation with those 5 people. At the very least, it is a chance for each of those five people to know God is paying attention to them, enough so to prompt someone to pray for them.
I would like to try this for a month and see how it goes. I would like to see where I notice the Holy Spirit, and most likely, I want to be open to what the Lord may be doing in and through my social circles. We are designed for fellowship, community, and connection as part of our spiritual lives. What could the Lord have in store when we treat them as connected?
Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Emma Bauso
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