Studies show that there are two major seasons of life when divorce is most common, and these seasons share an undeniable link. The first is the postpartum timeframe as new parents adjust to the demands of a baby, and the second is the season of perimenopause and menopause. These life phases are tied together by nature’s toll on the woman’s body, and, subsequently, her mind and emotions.
The woman feels trapped in a body that is both unfamiliar and seemingly self-imploding. This makes it hard for her to convey what she is truly experiencing, especially when she doesn’t feel there’s time or, worse, a need, to share her struggles in between changing diapers, packing lunches, and ensuring the household continues running smoothly.
This places communication between a husband and wife on a slippery slope, as his inability to fully understand his wife’s experiences leaves him feeling too uneducated and, sometimes, too afraid to broach the subject with her. The lack of communication on his part makes it impossible for him to explore empathy, and it leaves the wife feeling unseen and uncared for.
Both parties are often left in the dark, struggling against communication barriers they can’t quite identify. And as a lifelong member of the Church, I often wonder why pastors and leaders, particularly men, aren’t introducing these marital strains from the pulpit and encouraging couples in God-honoring communication.
In American culture, the very foundation of marriage is crumbling, so why aren’t Christian leaders and mentors throwing roadblocks and warning signs? Why aren’t they offering a healthier, safer route before it’s too late? Why aren’t we equipping Christian couples to be the beacon of light and love to a culture whose idea of marriage is often cynical, selfish, and even abusive?
I’m not a theologian, and humility will never allow me to declare such a title, but as a married woman and mother who is familiar with today’s church culture, I believe there are several key ways Christian communities can encourage women to bring transparency about their physical and
emotional struggles to the surface to find healthy support before their marriages irreparably fracture:
Offer Quality Premarital Counseling
My husband and I had one one-hour premarital session with our pastor before we were wedded, and while I love this former pastor dearly, one hour isn’t sufficient to walk a new couple through the ups and downs of a lifelong commitment. It’s time that pastors, regardless of denomination, offer quality premarital counseling that takes time, dedication, and vulnerability from both parties.
I recall the number of weddings I have been in, and how I knew two of them weren’t going to last. I saw too many unhealthy habits from either or both future spouses, but I said nothing, believing it wasn’t my place to get in the way of another couple’s “happiness.” To this day, I feel partially responsible for the nasty, hateful divorces that ensued, wondering if my willingness to be vulnerable and uncomfortable would have prevented an unhealthy union. Or, better yet, I wonder if I could have employed that same vulnerability to offer them encouragement and support before their marriage reached a point of no return.
The Church needs to get uncomfortable where marriage is concerned, not only stating the biblical truth that marriage is between only one man and one woman for life, but that marriage is messy, hard, and shouldn’t be entered lightly. There is a reason it isn’t just vows on a piece of paper that will fade but a God-ordained covenant meant to reflect the love between God and His Church.
Pastors and church leaders, don’t do the new couples of your congregation a cruel disservice by watering down the premarital counseling session. Don’t let it become a shallow box to be checked. Convene with God, pray to Him concerning each unique couple, and use the Spirit’s discernment and wisdom to patiently walk a new couple through the realities of marriage, the seasons that will try them, and the ways they can communicate with each other and, most importantly, God, to survive the hard times.
Allow Women to Encourage and Counsel Couples
It’s easy for a woman to shut down if she’s the only female in the room. She’s the odd woman out, the only one who understands the emotional weight of carrying, birthing, and nursing a baby. She’s the only one whose body will turn her hormones upside down with hot flashes and emotional meltdowns that make her feel as though she doesn’t know who she is. She knows the men in the room can’t fully understand, so she will often remain quiet, even if the men surrounding her are kind and respectful.
It’s time for the church to let women speak into marriages and share their perspectives with men. This avenue of female communication can’t guarantee that a man will be receptive, because that’s an issue of the heart, but it will leave him the knowledge and resources to better understand and honor his wife through seasons when he should carry the heavier load.
Perhaps the pastor and his wife should both participate in counseling new couples. Perhaps the church can offer newlywed Bible studies and mentorship opportunities where seasoned husbands and wives can come alongside young couples to create long-lasting relationships filled with wisdom for the hard seasons ahead.
Don’t Neglect the Seasoned Couples
Just as seasoned couples are often believed to have all the wisdom, they are constantly walking through new seasons of life, too. Pastors and church leaders, don’t allow the fear of time constraints and busy schedules to keep you from advertising marriage support and counseling for husbands and wives of all seasons.
Don’t be so concerned with attendance and people-pleasing that you aren’t bold enough to walk up to a couple and check in with their marriage, asking how you can pray for and support them. Don’t be so concerned with politics that you skirt the opportunity to understand what women experience emotionally, physically, and mentally, and don’t be ignorant of the pressures today’s husbands feel, too.
Education, wisdom, and vulnerability must come together if the Church wants to see healthy marriages where women are honored and understood, and where men have the knowledge and tools to love and lead their wives well. We can’t expect marriages to last if we don’t offer the necessary resources to sustain them.
Remember Luke 12:48
I often think of Luke 12:48, which says, “To whom much is given, much will be required.” It’s a weighty verse when paralleled with Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wide finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” What more treasure are you given, how much more could satisfy, than the favor of the Lord? And since a husband has such favor from the Lord through his wife, he is held to a high standard. It is required of him that he love her as Christ sacrificial loves His church (Ephesians 5:25).
The Church would do well to create a spiritually sound, loving environment where women can share their struggles and not only feel heard but be honored and valued. I pray today’s American congregations would consider how they serve (or don’t serve) married couples and proactively delegate ministries and healthy leaders (male and female) to meet their needs in totality.
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