A Prayer When Your Adult Child No Longer Wants a Relationship with You
By Tammy Darling
Bible Reading
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6, ESV
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With just one flip of the calendar page, everything changed—my mood, my countenance, my thoughts, even my heart rate. October. What was once my favorite month, my birth month, was now filled with overwhelming, breath-sapping sadness.
With a deep sigh, I trudged into the kitchen, where I flipped a second calendar. The very act brought Gothic ambiance to an otherwise colorful and festive fall month.
For the second straight year, the painful realization settled in deep: three out of four of my children have buried me alive.
There would be no celebratory gathering, no gifts, no “Happy Birthday, Mom!” Not even a text message to acknowledge that I even existed. The estrangement phenomenon I recently noticed on social media was real, and it had hit our home.
Once again, I resigned myself to a month of surviving being buried alive, all the while longing for those past birthdays where the flip of the calendar ushered in a month of excitement and celebration. Adrift on memories of the past, I recalled the surprise birthday cake my daughter made because she knew it was my favorite. I remembered the special getaway birthday trips, the concerts, and the games we played. And with physical pain in my heart, I remembered the fun and laughter we all had, not just in October, but in every month. All buried, along with my existence.
And then my thoughts turned to the times I yelled at my kids, when I glared at them, said things I never should have said. The moments I wasn’t truly “there” for them were when I was dealing with so much trauma. The times I grabbed one of their arms in frustration to get their attention and settle a matter. Even the times I paddled them, sometimes in anger.
Not every thought is worth thinking about. But these latter thoughts are the only ones my children now have. The three children who have buried me alive…they have chosen to see only the bad as justification for their actions. I can’t say I blame them; I was there once myself with my own parents.
I always thought I had a bad childhood. Sure, things happened that shouldn’t have happened, but time, forgiveness, healing, and perspective changed how I viewed my childhood and my parents. I now know that my childhood was more good than bad, and I experientially understand they were doing their best. And as for how I view my childhood and my parents, that’s my choice. And so, I now choose to remember the good, forgive the bad, and move forward in love.
Perhaps someday my children will choose the same.
Meanwhile, October rolled into November, and another flip of the calendar. When not even the daughter who still speaks to Mom and Dad committed to coming for Thanksgiving dinner, I cried. Deep, guttural cries. My beloved husband gave me a hug and suggested, “Let’s go to the ocean for a few days over Thanksgiving.”
I looked up at him in shock. “Are you serious?”
“Absolutely,” he replied. “We don’t need to spend three days preparing a Thanksgiving meal that no one’s coming for. Besides, I don’t want to see you crying on Thanksgiving Day.”
With a small measure of joy and excitement, I booked a room with a jacuzzi that overlooked the ocean. I, too, knew that if I was at home on Thanksgiving Day, I’d be a certifiable trainwreck. I was so grateful for my husband’s suggestion.
As Christmas came and went, a mix of joy and sadness, the year ended. And with the close of the year came the question that had been stirring within me: How do I move forward?
I knew I couldn’t keep living as though I was buried alive; I was suffocating on every level. I wanted to live again, to be free and full of joy, to have peace that passes all understanding.
My children must find their own way; I must discover mine. Therefore, I’m shaking off the disappointment and embracing my new life. This day is the day that the Lord has given me, and I want to make the most of it. I’m no longer asking God, “Why?” but instead I’m asking, “What now?”
I’ve got a longing for something more real than me; I’m desiring the substance of all things: God with me. So long as I have God, I have all I need.
I may not have my children with me right now, but I’ve got God. My kids don’t have my back, but God does. In fact, I’ve decided to give my children back to God. They’re His. God gave those children to me for a season; a season in which to raise them, which I did to the best of my ability. Now, they’re His again.
Day by day, I will put one foot in front of the other. I will move forward and continue to heal and to grow. I may or may not ever see my children's relationships reconciled, and I’m okay with that. I am forgiven by God, the only One that truly matters. I will no longer live as though I’ve been buried alive, because the fact is that I’ve been resurrected with Christ.
Let’s Pray
Heavenly Father,
I am so grateful that You are the only Perfect Parent. Your unconditional love sees me through each day. Today, I lift every estranged parent and grandparent up to You and ask that Your comfort and love surround them. May we rejoice in Your workings in all our lives.
In gratitude to You, Father, Amen.
Share your reflections on today’s devotional in the Your Daily Prayer discussion on the Crosswalk Forum.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ Blasius Erlinger
Tammy Darling is the author of 1,600 published articles and three books. She writes from her home in rural Pennsylvania.
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