My Spouse Isn't Who I Married: What Do I Do Now?
By: Jennifer Waddle
"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 15:5-6 ESV)
Change can be a good thing when recognized as growth, maturity, or increased faith. The problem for many, however, is acceptance. When couples have been married for a long time, they settle into patterns by default. It's not usually a conscious decision, but a rhythm they've established over time. Disrupting that rhythm often makes one or both spouses uneasy, which can lead to withdrawal. But couples who realize the possible benefits of growth are able to accept positive changes while addressing negative issues wisely.
If your spouse isn't who you married, and you're wondering what to do, here are a few ways to embrace the new rhythm with wisdom and grace.
Talk Openly
You might handle your spouse's differences by ignoring them or lashing out in anger, depending on your personality. Neither of these responses is helpful. What is useful is to talk about the changes honestly and openly. Without pointing fingers, blaming each other, or keeping a record of wrongs, calmly discuss what is concerning you. The conversation can begin with a simple statement such as, "I've noticed some changes in you and wonder if you notice them too."
If your spouse gets defensive, calm the situation by admitting how you've changed. Talk about your goals in life, both physical and spiritual. Ask thought-provoking questions that initiate healthy conversations, leading to better accountability and camaraderie.
You've likely heard that communication is key to maintaining a strong marriage, but it might not come easily to you. Pray for God's wisdom to help you communicate your feelings honestly while also listening with an open heart and mind.
Regain Common Ground
As you know, the enemy looks for any chance to divide couples. And when the marriage relationship pivots, feelings of insecurity can open the door for Satan to wreak havoc. As soon as you notice marked changes in your spouse, come together and regain your common ground.
Faith and family are often key areas where couples find commonality. Pray together, worship together, attend church together, and serve your family together. The more you join forces in doing things you both love, the stronger your relationship will become.
Keep in mind, this might require you to find new hobbies and interests that align. If your spouse has been wanting to try pickleball, join them! If you've always wanted to take ballroom dance lessons, encourage your spouse to give it a try. Regaining common ground while finding new ways to connect will help you accept this new and improved season with a sense of anticipation.
Find a New, Purposeful Rhythm
When you feel like your spouse isn't the same person you married, spend time prayerfully considering what has changed. It might be that they still have the same work ethic but are slowing down as they age. Perhaps they are developing their spiritual gifts and stepping out in faith. Or they might simply be bored with their current routine and are trying to shake things up.
The important thing is to keep these changes in perspective and not jump to conclusions. Don't assume things, but rather, address things wisely. In fact, this might be the best time find a new rhythm that you both find exciting and purposeful. Here are a few ideas:
-Go on a mission trip.
-Start a side-hustle.
-Join a gym.
-Take a college class.
-Start a non-profit.
The Lord brought you together for a purpose, and when you step into that purpose together, an amazing bond is created. Let the latter years of marriage be the best years by talking openly, regaining common ground, and finding a new, purposeful rhythm.
Let's Pray: Heavenly Father, my spouse and I have changed through the years, and it seems like we're entirely different people. But I recognize the enemy's plans to divide us, and I reject his lies now, in the mighty name of Jesus. Strengthen our communication, Lord, and help us regain common ground, especially through faith and family. I'm willing to join my spouse in finding a new rhythm that brings You glory and connects us in meaningful ways. Bless my marriage, Lord, and make it stronger than ever before. In Jesus' name, amen.
Application: What are your biggest concerns regarding the differences you see in your spouse? Confess them to the Lord and declare, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." (Psalm 138:8)
Challenge: Schedule an informal dinner date to discuss ways you can reconnect, regain common ground, and move forward with purpose.
We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today's devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.
