When One Spouse Resigns While the Other Is Still Trying
LYSA TERKEURST
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“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)
I know the heart-ripping hopelessness of a relationship unraveling.
The silence, rejection, harsh words, absence of intimacy, unanswered questions, and hurt.
When my marriage was falling apart, I remember feeling like I had been in the equivalent of a serious, head-on collision, desperately needing to go to an emergency room. The intense pain and severe trauma made it seem like I was emotionally wounded.
If my injuries had been physical, someone would have called 911, and paramedics would have attempted to stabilize me and get me to the hospital. The ER trauma doctors would have known what to do to control my pain and would have taken me into surgery to fix what was damaged.
But there wasn’t that level of care and help immediately available to me with the emotional trauma I was experiencing. No doctor could surgically fix my broken heart.
Days turned into months, and months into years. Slowly, I turned into someone I didn’t recognize. My strong but normally carefree spirit became a confusing mix of anxiety, panic attacks, and soul-blinding pain so intense I thought I’d never feel healthy or normal again.
This is why my heart aches for anyone experiencing an unwanted divorce. You don’t want this, but your spouse has moved on, and you’re feeling broken and stuck. If that’s where you are today, I’m so sorry. I know the deep hurt that comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panicked urge to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and end all the destruction.
A situation like this is much too complicated for simple answers. But I do want to give you one stepping stone to stand on right now:
Decide today that you are worthy.
Because you are — you are worthy. You may not feel like it. But Psalm 139 assures me that you are:
“For you [God] formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (Psalm 139:13-14).
You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by a loving God who cares for you. You are beautiful, captivating, smart, and capable. But if you’re in a relationship full of unresolved dysfunction, neglect, or any type of abuse, I suspect you feel a little less than all I’ve described.
Broken-down relationships can break down a person. Maybe you even feel like you’ve lost that child inside who used to be so positive, happy, and ready to take on the world. The only way to recapture that child is to come up for air and remember: You are worthy because the Creator of the universe says you are.
You are not what you’ve done or what’s been done to you.
You are a person who loves God and is loved by God.
You are made in His image.
You are a reflection of the glory and goodness of God.
You are loved from the depths of Father God’s unfathomable heart.
You are treasured beyond imagination.
You. Are. Worthy.
Now, give yourself space to make some level-headed decisions. Get a plan. Draw some healthy and helpful boundaries so you can stay safe, sane, and stable. Talk to wise people who will provide godly counsel and lovingly walk this tough journey with you.
And if you need further godly counsel, I’ve written a book with Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Jim Cress that is theologically sound to help you know what the Bible does and doesn’t say about divorce (see below).
As you walk this out, pray for clear discernment. Jesus is the best source of help, and He will direct you as you stick with Him.
I hope with everything in me that there is a miraculous turnaround in your marriage. But sometimes that’s not safe or possible. In my situation, I didn’t give up; I accepted a very hard reality. If that’s where you are, I pray the beautiful person you are rises above all that has fallen apart, still clinging tightly to the One who forever calls you worthy.
Dear Lord, when my marriage is struggling, I feel so consumed with pain and fear. Please help me. I need to hold on to Your assurance that I am worthy. Show me the wise and healing steps I can take right now. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
THIS IS THE RESOURCE YOU MIGHT NEED
If you find yourself facing the end of your marriage and you aren’t sure what to do next, Lysa TerKeurst deeply understands. After experiencing the painful death of her marriage of nearly 30 years, she wanted to create a biblical resource for readers to turn to so they can be equipped to move forward in whole and healthy ways. That’s why she wrote her latest book, Surviving an Unwanted Divorce, alongside theologian Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Licensed Professional Counselor Jim Cress. Through these pages, you’ll gain the practical, scriptural tools you need to get to the other side and see that life doesn’t end when your marriage does. You can preorder your copy here and start reading the first three chapters today.
ENGAGE
Find real-life encouragement when you connect with Lysa TerKeurst here on Instagram.
FOR DEEPER STUDY
Psalm 66:20, “Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!” (NIV).
How does realizing God does not withhold His love from you encourage you even more to live worthy today? Let us know in the comments.
© 2025 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
www.Proverbs31.org
