“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” - Hebrews 13:4
Cohabitation. A man and a woman living together before they are married. According to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR), 75% of today’s marriages were preceded by cohabitation. And the trend is rising. (Trends in Cohabitation Prior to Marriage)
By most accounts, the “movement” began here in the U.S. in the 1960s and early 1970s. Of course, the era of “free love.” This period marked a significant shift in attitudes towards relationships, with people beginning to believe – or at least say - “Why do we need a piece of paper to tell us we’re committed to each other?” Come the 1980s, and living together had become much more common.
Many believe the trend resulted from a high and rising divorce rate. The general idea was that living together was a way to “test the waters” – for a couple to find out if they were truly compatible, as well as to learn relationship skills. The problem is that while couples may view living together as a trial period before marriage, the evidence suggests that it may ultimately result in higher divorce rates.
Of course, all of this leads us to the question of how it applies to Christians. After all, there are a great many Christian couples who have chosen to live together before marriage. Whether the reason is a compatibility test or simply because they aren’t ready, Christian couples have definitely joined the trend.
Clearly, it is not “technically” wrong for a man and a woman living together as roommates, simply to share the space, as long as the relationship is entirely non-sexual. Strictly speaking, there would be nothing sinful about such a relationship. But let’s be real – that isn’t what is commonly meant by “living together” or “shacking up” as they say. These terms quite obviously refer to a couple having sex before marriage.
On that one, the Bible is clear. Despite what we may think or believe. Pew Research found that 58 percent of white evangelicals approve of cohabitation if the couple plans to marry (cited in www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/christians-and-cohabitation-what-you-need-to-know.html, accessed 9/15/21). Despite those trends, despite our personal opinions on the matter, the Bible’s message has never changed - God forbids sex outside of marriage. That would include – and preclude – couples who live together, even with the intent of getting married at some point.
What Exactly Is Biblical Marriage?
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”- Matthew 19:4-5
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”- Matthew 19:6
As is often the case, when we delve into one question, another arises. When we discuss living together before marriage, it naturally begs the question: What is biblical marriage? When is the moment they become husband and wife? Tied the knot, as they say. When does God consider a couple married?
The Bible, of course, reflects Jewish tradition of the time, with betrothal and marriage being distinct stages. Matthew and Luke both tell us that Mary was “pledged to be married to Joseph” (Matthew 1:18) – and Luke explains that immediately after her visit from Gabriel, Mary left to visit Elizabeth. Neither tells us of the wedding between the two.
Nowhere does the Bible explicitly state at what point God considers a man and a woman married. At no point are we taught how we might know “what God has joined together.”
There do seem to be at least three different viewpoints on the matter – each with its own set of challenges. As is always the case, whenever we apply rules, we must also be prepared to use exceptions to those rules.
Legally married under the eyes of the law.
Typically, this perspective would point to Romans 13:1-7 and 1 Peter 2:17, arguing that we ought to submit ourselves to whatever the particular government requirements might be. Since we are to “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
However, marriage existed long before governments existed. Furthermore, some governments have no such legal requirements. But most importantly, there are clearly some governments – such as those that abide by Sharia law – that could contradict Biblical teachings.
Engaged in sexual intercourse.
Sexual relations are often considered the “consummation” of a marriage, even legally in many cases. The argument in this case is that sexual intercourse represents the fulfillment of the “one flesh” Biblical principle.
This, too, encounters some difficulties. What about when the couple is, for some physical reason, unable to engage in sexual intercourse? Should they still be considered married? Biblically, of course, many – most – of the kings in the Old Testament had concubines, which would then raise the question of what would distinguish a concubine from a wife? Add to all of this – a couple can be “one flesh” in the eyes of God based on a lifetime commitment to each other, and not simply based on sex.
A formal wedding ceremony, including vows.
In Genesis 2:22, God brings Eve to Adam as a father would give away his daughter at a wedding. Jesus attended a wedding ceremony in John 3 and performed His first miracle there. While this in no way means that God requires a wedding ceremony, it certainly would indicate the Lord’s blessing on such ceremonies.
Then again, we also find challenges that require a ceremony to be held in a specific church or denomination, or, as mentioned previously, before Allah.
Maybe the answer lies somewhere in the midst of all three. In some merging of these three different points of view. Not to establish a particular set of rules but rather to honor the commitment of the unmarried couple to each other and to uphold their Christian values.
Nearly every culture throughout history has observed some formal wedding ceremony. In every culture, there exists some particular action or event, or covenant vows, where a man and a woman are declared husband and wife. Every couple should strive to adhere to these cultural, denominational, and even familial traditions. The couple should also adhere to whatever formal steps their “governing authorities” might require, as long as those requirements are reasonable and are not contrary to Biblical teachings.
Finally, while a husband and wife should consummate their marriage physically if and when possible, more importantly, they must make their personal commitments to each other before God. Their commitment is to love, honor, respect, support, and remain loyal to each other throughout their lives.
"But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." -1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV
Is it a Sin to Live Together before Marriage?
"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people." - Ephesians 5:3
There is certainly no end to the verses in scripture that remind us of the sacredness of marriage. Of how to honor and treat our spouses – and the importance of love and commitment. Yet, living together before marriage can be a topic of great debate.
Clearly, sexual relations before marriage don’t work Biblically, but what about the committed couple that agrees to abstain from sexual relations – does that make it okay to live together before they are married?
The entire idea that living together allows a couple to “test drive” their relationship encounters issues that contradict biblical teaching. While not so much in terms of outright sexual immorality, but certainly as we look at the lives we are called to live as disciples of Christ.
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul states rather emphatically that there must not be “…even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. An unmarried couple living together at the very least offers the appearance of immorality. What then would be your testimony before an unbelieving world that we are to represent for Christ? Almost everyone is going to assume that a man and a woman living together as a couple will be sexually active, and you will be able to do nothing to convince them otherwise.
Paul further teaches – in 1 Corinthians 7:2 – that because of the existence of temptation to sexual immorality, we all ought to be married. This directly relates to human behavior and physical desires. Temptation is a part of our lives – and a temptation that is difficult to resist in most situations, never mind when the person you love is lying in the same bed as you. Jesus was clear when He taught about removing temptation from our lives:
"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire." - Matthew 18:8
We have a responsibility – no, an obligation – to our brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as to the non-believers around us. In his letter to the Romans, we find Paul’s teaching that we ought not be the reason to cause anyone else to stumble. (v. 14:19-21) When others look at us – look at our lives – would they then believe it was okay to live together or to engage in sex before marriage? Yeah, I’m guessing they would make their own assumptions.
"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18
Whenever faced with a decision such as this, we must first look to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, who lives within our hearts. He is given to each of us when we give our lives to Christ to lead us and to protect us.
Peter tells us that we are to live “…holy and godly lives.” (2 Peter 3:11) Does living together meet that admonition? Does a Christian man and woman moving in together before they are married fall into that category? If you were to meet the Lord, do you think the words you would hear would be “well done, good and faithful servant?”
Jesus taught that to follow Him, we must be willing to lay down our lives for Him. To pick up our cross daily. Yes – that will absolutely require sacrifice on our parts. If that sacrifice means we wait until we are married to live together, isn’t that a rather small price to pay for what Jesus has done for us?
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/YakobchukOlena
Greg doesn’t pretend to be a pastor, a theologian, or a Bible expert, but offers the perspective of an everyday guy on the same journey as everyone else – in pursuit of truth.
Greg can be reached by email or on Facebook @ Greg Grandchamp - Author.
