Pride—yes, I could try to deny it, but it was right there inside me. However, I began to see it only when I laid down the shears and picked up the mirror. I had to take a break from examining and chopping Dave to pursue self-examination instead. Yes, I promise we’ll come back to the issues our husbands have. But I also promise you that you can’t hold two things of this magnitude in your hand—and, more so, in your heart—at the same time. One thing has to be laid down for another to be picked up.
God began calling me to confess and repent of my pride and arrogance, which had truly and fully seeped into my way of being toward Dave. As we discussed before, examining the content and consistency of your inner thoughts will reveal a lot about not just how you’re feeling, but about how you’re being. Your mind is a powerful place that needs a powerful God who can help you to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). The New Living Translation reads, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” New ways of thinking are necessary for new ways of being.
Pride. Arrogance. Ugh—I hated such words being attached to me because my intent was never to harm or discourage Dave. I actually want to help him. In the next chapter, we’ll talk more about the nature of a helper, but as a setup, let’s recall that in Scripture, the Holy Spirit is called our Helper (John 14:16 ESV—parakletos in the Greek, which can also be translated “comforter, encourager, counselor, or advocate.” As the following pages will reveal, it turns out that the Spirit is a much better helper than I could be. For this reason, I can and need to trust him to do the work in Dave—and in me—that I so desperately want to do myself.
I had to accept the fact that Dave loves and walks with the Spirit, too, which means he can hear from God on his own without my nagging him. Then I started learning that if I have something important I need to say to Dave that might be hard for him to hear, I should go to Jesus first and ask him how to phrase it in a way that will bring life instead of death.
But before we get into all of that, we must decide if we’re brave enough to hold up the mirror and ask the question, Do I chop my husband with my words, attitudes, facial expressions, and body language—or, in general, with my way of being? Even more, I would encourage you to begin pondering questions to ask your husband and how you think he might respond:
• Do you feel like I boo you, or do I chop you down?
• What has it been like to be married to me?
Later on, after you’ve put some of this into practice, you will be able to ask these questions of your husband and hopefully already have some idea of the answers. But we’re not quite there yet. The truth is that right now his brutal honesty could lead you back into the chopping cycle, which we want to avoid. And in fact, he may not be ready to answer those questions honestly, because he may not want to hurt your feelings. When it is time, you consider asking him to write out his answers, just to decrease any awkwardness or offense. In Dave’s case, he waited for years to tell me the truth, but when he did, it was in front of a whole room of women. I must have been too scary to confront in the privacy of our “safe” home.
As soon as you’re ready to go deeper, you can be encouraged that God is ready to begin the change in you and your marriage that you’ve been desperately trying to force for years. Our heavenly Father loves you, sees you, and cares about you and your marriage. It extends well beyond what you can even imagine. It’s true. I’m writing this with tears in my eyes as I recall God’s unfathomable grace. Years ago, at that stage in my walk with God, I was beating myself up over my failures as a mom and wife. I hated who I had become. But his love and grace began reminding me that he loves me, despite my insecurities and inconsistencies, my pride and arrogance. I had a lot that needed to be worked out. I still do. But there is so much hope.
Yes, marriage is a long game, where “the days are long, but the years are short.” Don’t become discouraged if it takes some time to get there.
Excerpted with permission from How to Speak Life to Your Husband, by Ann Wilson. Copyright 2025, Zondervan.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/gorodenkoff
