I’ll never forget the moment my ex-boyfriend grabbed my hand, curled my knuckles around his, and said, “Your fingernails look like cement. Don’t ever paint them that color again.”
In that moment, he broke a piece of my nineteen-year-old heart that I never knew existed, the piece that was allowed to take up space in enjoying life’s simple things, like a classy, elegant nude-colored nail polish. This was the beginning of the end of my confidence. I slowly grew quieter in how I appeared, becoming less myself and more of whoever this young man said I should be.
My hair was more flattering up, not down.
The tighter my pants, the better I could pretend to have a curvy figure.
All of these subtle demands for how I should present myself to him only suffocated who I was, and, eventually, I realized I would never be “enough” for him, appearances and all, because he wasn’t enough for himself. He had lots of baggage, lots of trauma, to untangle, and until his heart looked to the Healer for hope, I could never offer him anything more than disappointment.
After almost three years of trying to fix him, I walked away, knowing it was time to be me again, time to focus on my own healing, and if someone came along in the process, maybe it would be God’s plan. If not, well, I had clearly grown accustomed to heartache and would already be comfortable with its grieving cycle.
Roughly six months later, I was set up on a blind date at a wedding with a very handsome man, who had dark hair and bright blue eyes. He was funny, kind, and slightly breathtaking in his navy blue suit. Once the wedding was over, he wanted to take me to get ice cream and chat. There wasn’t an agenda outside of getting to know me. It was surprisingly comfortable, so much so that my third time seeing him, ever, I was wearing pajama pants without a bit of makeup on, my hair disheveled.
Not once in my almost three years of dating my ex-boyfriend had I ever let him see me without full makeup and my hair done perfectly.
Clearly, there was something genuine about this new guy who made me feel relaxed enough that I didn’t need to become someone else or dress a certain way to meet his “standards.” Peyton was enough for him. Two months later, this man asked me to marry him. I laughed and said no. It was way too soon. So he tried again, six months down the road, and I happily obliged.
Almost eight years later, my stomach is softer after housing our baby boy for nine months. Sprigs of gray hair have made their debut on the crown of my head (the stress of toddlerhood takes its toll, ha!). The early stages of crow's feet now sprinkle the corners of my eyes. My appearance clearly can’t keep up with life’s inescapable aging. But my husband calls me beautiful nonetheless, and his eyes and tone are just as sincere as when we first met.
Recently, “Shrekking” has become the new dating approach, where people opt out of formal dates with fancy clothes and all the makeup, heels, jewelry, suits, and cologne, and opt for more casual outings in athletic attire or even sweatpants. This allows authenticity to lead the first date, the foundation of the relationship, so no one’s expectations are misplaced.
Just as Shrek the ogre won over Princess Fiona through his selfless bravery and witty humor, many young people today recognize the importance of inward beauty and long to be wanted not because of their looks but because of their heart.
This encouraging approach to dating leaves Christians with an important question: What if we pursued relationships the way God pursues us—not based on appearances, but on truth, grace, and heart?
Priorities Could Bring Peace
I’m not sure that I ever felt a sense of true joy when dating my ex-boyfriend. I couldn’t enjoy anything we were doing, from sea-dooing to watching the Atlanta Braves at their stadium, because my mind was constantly checking that I looked okay. I was scared to eat certain foods, wondering if I shouldn’t have just brought dental floss in my purse. And being in a bathing suit near this guy made me feel nauseous.
My soul never felt at peace because my priorities were wrong. I wasn’t focused on what makes a healthy, lasting relationship. I was simply trying to appease him, which taught me to compromise who I was.
Perhaps Shrekking is the best way to ensure that joy, peace, and morals are prioritized over appearance, denouncing the “necessaity” of using countless namebrands and cosmetics to dress yourself into someone “acceptable.”
Considering the mental health crisis our country faces, it's no secret that many young people are searching desperately for peace, meaning, and fulfillment. Of course, Christ is the only answer our souls are searching for, but I believe it’s a healthy step in the right direction when people choose to see one another for their character rather than their appearance. It reinforces the God-given truth that only the heart and soul will last, and that how we cultivate our hearts and souls matters most.
When we accept this truth with grace, we find peace.
Hearts Could Remain Safe
Hearts stuck in abusive, manipulative relationships are never safe. They’re vulnerable to the sort of hurt that can leave permanent damage. Not only can they suffer irreparable blows, but they can also find little reason to grow once their core has crumbled.
I’m not saying that Shrekking is a sure-fire way to find the perfect person. People are still flawed. Relationships won’t always last. That’s merely a sad reality concerning human nature subject to a sinful world. However, I do believe that taking a Shrekking approach to dating leaves hearts a little less likely to be trampled by shallow means. Things like fingernail polish colors and hairstyles don’t have to cause petty arguments, leaving the offended with an identity crisis.
When a couple begins their dating journey with brave vulnerability, their heart remains safe to not only be confident in who they are and how they feel in their own body, but to grow, too. It’s hard for a person to do heart and soul work for themselves, listening to the Holy Spirit’s conviction, when their headspace is consumed with appeasing their girlfriend or boyfriend’s wardrobe requirements.
If we are only changing who we are to appease one person whose depiction of “good” and “right” hinges on outward looks, how can we ever change for what is truly good and right? When will we have time to honor Philippians 4:8 and only think on things that are lovely and praiseworthy?
Jesus’ Grace Could Win
Choosing vulnerability is choosing to recognize that neither you nor the person you’re dating is perfect. No matter how subtle or insignificant this seems, it’s grace in action. It’s extending your love to someone you know will let you down at some point. It’s letting a human be a human because you recognize the humanity within yourself.
For believers, this is the way we honor Jesus’ mercy and grace. We grant it to others just as He continuously grants it to us. As we offer love and grace to others, we can more easily accept Jesus’ love and grace for ourselves.
It’s a healing cycle of trust and forgiveness that allows us to rest in who God made us to be.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Stuart C. Wilson / Stringer
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