Mama slid another flour-coated chunk of banana into the sizzling oil, causing the hot concoction to crackle in response. She had cut each of the Lilliputian-sized Apple bananas into four pieces and rolled them in a mixture of flour, tapioca, and sugar. My father loved the final product: fried bananas. Crispy on the outside, sweet on the inside. As I observed Mama strain the fried bananas, a thought came unbidden: Why couldn’t Papa live longer so he could enjoy this moment with us?
I get that not everyone grew up with a loving dad. My work as a clinical psychologist guarantees access to horrible stories of dads who abandoned, abused, or otherwise alienated their own offspring. My kindhearted father was the exact opposite. Both my parents raised me in a safe environment, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful.
His untimely death destabilized our family in more ways than one. Grief imposed its presence on my world ever since.
Defining Grief
The point of this article isn’t to spotlight me or my grief. Rather, I’d like to invite you to consider whether there’s a loss in your life that you haven’t yet grieved. But don’t make the mistake of understanding grief as something that only develops after a loved one passes away. More than that, grief is a natural reaction when we lose someone or something valuable to us.
That means grief can emerge after your fiancé blindsided you and broke the engagement. Or because you had to put down your sickly Golden Retriever. Or when you moved out—whether from home, the cozy apartment you loved, from one state (or country) to another.
My work as a psychologist privileges me to support my clients as they reveal their suffering—emotional pain they don’t share with just anyone. I started providing psychotherapy 22 years ago, while still in graduate school. Although I’ve since adopted a different modality for my practice—Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—one thing remains: I’ve never seen anyone heal from the emotional pain they also suppress.
There’s a reason for this phenomenon. Your feelings surrounding whatever—or whomever—it is that you lost sit somewhere inside your body (because where else would they be?). To repress these feelings is to also construct a time bomb, in the form of medical issues. There’s a correlation between suppressed rage and autoimmune disorders. Besides that, stress can inflict physical symptoms. But even if your body’s functioning optimally, by disregarding your grief, you’re also ignoring the invisible burden your soul is carrying. However, failing to resolve past hurt will hinder you from fully advancing your life.
How about a better option? Acknowledge the loss you sustained. Grieve. That way, your soul can release its burden, liberating you to pursue your future with creativity and zeal.
4 Reasons We’re Reluctant to Grieve
Perhaps the following thoughts have entered your head as to why you don’t need to grieve. While these reasons are valid, there are reasonable responses to counter these objections.
1. “I don’t want to be overwhelmed.”
Grieving does not mean locking yourself in your room, drawing the curtains, and weeping all day. Facing your loss can be scaled down into bite-sized, manageable pieces. That means if you’re struggling with multiple losses, pace yourself. Don’t grieve them all at once. Spend time with the part of you that’s hurt because of loss A and then leave the matter alone. If there’s another spacious time this week for you to do more internal work, check your heart, and see what other loss is tugging at your attention.
Repeat the process as many times as necessary.
If a history of depression or self-harm lurks in your past, please consider seeing a therapist. The presence of a skilled professional can lend more support, so you can grieve your losses without feeling overwhelmed. May I impress upon you an important point on depression? This disorder can be the byproduct of unresolved grief. So, if you don’t want your future self to struggle with depression, face your grief today.
2. “I’m too busy.”
You may be a full-time student during the day, a part-time bartender at night. Or tangled up with social media as the main medium to promote your hustle. Or a single parent with little ones to feed. When so many crucial things demand your time and attention, grieving may feel like a luxury you can’t afford.
Understandable. But, to emphasize the point, grieving can be done in small doses—like by reverently placing a hand on your heart when something reminds you of the person or thing you lost. If something triggers your grief and there’s no space to tend to it immediately, consider circling back to the parts of your soul that feel aggrieved once you have a bit more breathing room, such as when you’re washing up.
3. “Crying is for losers.”
Science has discovered the many benefits of tearing up, including the release of stress hormones. Psalm 100:5 states God is good and His love endures forever. A good God wouldn’t design something wicked. Therefore, if the act of releasing tears didn’t help us, the Lord wouldn’t have equipped our physiology with the natural ability to cry.
But if you were trained to believe that crying is only for girls, weaklings, or some other insulting concepts, let’s unlearn that false belief. Just as bleeding is our body’s automatic response when something sharp cuts it, crying is a natural response when something pierces our heart.
4. “My loss isn’t that bad.”
Perhaps you didn’t lose your house, unlike LA fire victims. Comparing your loss to theirs makes it seem you have to be glad and not sad. Or if a natural disaster destroyed your abode but everyone in your family survived, you might still feel unworthy to grieve—because, unlike other victims who lost a loved one in the tragedy, at least yours made it out alive.
Your grief is valid. Regardless. There’s no point in comparing your story—including your loss—to another. Every mourner has the responsibility to grieve, regardless of how small or significant that loss is. It’s not the magnitude of our devastation that matters, but whether or not we mend our broken hearts in the aftermath.
August 30: National Grief Awareness Day
Grief is insidious. If we suffer a loss and skip the mourning part, we’re bound to pay the price one way or another. That’s the nature of avoidance; it might buy us time today, but the consequence will haunt our tomorrows.
For instance, think about a newlywed who burns 60+ hours at work to avoid dealing with his bride’s sudden demise. When he buried her—no thanks to the drunk driver who killed her—he also buried his lust for life. But how long can his body keep up with the punishing rhythm of workaholism? Or how about a teenager who turned to cutting—or cocaine—because of guilt? After all, she was too busy texting to watch her younger sister, who then drowned in the pool.
These may seem like extreme examples—and maybe they are. But even though not every story shares the same extreme details, the point still stands: not grieving carries a price tag. August 30 is an apt reminder to tend to the condition of our own souls. Whatever your loss might be, let’s mark the occasion by grieving with gentleness, one manageable dose at a time.
I pray that you face your grief with much courage, patience, and self-compassion. And as you carry on, may the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6) greet you with healing and hope.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Aaron Burden
