How does God forgive? Jesus warned us that if we don’t forgive as He forgives, then His father will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15). Does that mean the only way this woman can obey Jesus’ command is to erase the memories of betrayal? Or is that kind of forgetting a burden God never intended her to carry?
Many Christians take great comfort in the promise of Psalm 103:12:
As far as the east
East and west will never meet. This passage seems to promise that once God forgives me; my sins will never come before His eyes again. More than once God declares that He will remember the sins of the Israelites no more (Jeremiah 31:34b). What a relief.
Yet that relief turns to despair when I read Jesus’ prayer:
”Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matthew 6:12
Added to that, God’s relationship to the Israelites seems to contradict His promise to remember their sins no more. Every time they chose other gods over Him, He reminded them of their past failures that He had forgiven. He lamented that they once more betrayed the covenant of His love. It appears that God really didn’t forget their sins as He promised.
Did God lie? Of course not!
God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill? Numbers 23:28
It doesn’t seem possible for us to erase from our memories the betrayal of others. Sometimes it is dangerous to “forget” the damaging acts of others because we need to relate to them in a way that protects us and loved ones from further abuse or physical harm. Although the principles are the same, “forgetting” in those circumstances requires great wisdom and counsel and is a topic for another time.
If we can’t erase painful circumstances will God hold our sins against us until we do?
God never gives us a command without also giving us the ability to obey. To forgive as God forgives is possible when we understand how He forgives.
God’s Definition of Forget
In order to obey God’s command that we forgive as He forgives, we must understand how God defines forgetting our sins.
God forgets by treating us with compassion and love when we deserve rejection. He does not hold our sins against us. When He forgives He doesn’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated. He “endures” us by remembering we are weak and will fail. And He wants us to forbear and forgive in the same way.
”Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13
When we forgive as God forgives, we recognize that the person is not perfect and will fail us. And we are promising we will not treat the offender in the way that we have a human right to, considering their offense. When the hurt from the offense washes over us and the memory of the hurt fills us with a sense of betrayal and rage, our natural instinct is to get back at the offender. If we have forgiven, we must at that point say, "Yes, this happened and I was devastated by it. But I have chosen to forgive. Therefore, I CHOOSE to respond in a way that does not hurt the other person - that does not treat them in a way he or she deserves."
This kind of forgiveness is not a one time act that magically transforms a shattered heart. When the hurt is deep and life shattering, it takes a lifetime of godly choices to learn how to interact with the forgiven offender.
With a lot of practice in this kind of "forgetting", in time, the hurt diminishes. This is not easy in the short term but the alternative is to become a bitter, old man in the long term. Obedience is tough in the short term but bears great fruit in the long term. Someone has called this kind of living “a long obedience in the same direction.”
The marital oneness two of our friends enjoy hides the deep waters of sorrow that broke their oneness early in their marriage. The husband betrayed his young bride in a way that has destroyed many other marriages. Forty years later his wife confided that the memories sometimes come out of nowhere and the pain feels just as fresh as then. I asked her, “How do you maintain the trust and love you now enjoy?” She thoughtfully responded, "I remind myself that I've forgiven him. That means I won’t treat him as my humanity demands or as he deserves. I will choose to honor and respect him as God commands." In this case, the husband had repented and in her words, had demonstrated that repentance again and again. This kind of moment by moment forgiving and “forgetting” has built their marriage into an amazing example of compassion and mercy. Having said that, this kind of forgetting is more difficult when the offender has not repented.
When I observed the apparent happiness another couple enjoyed in the aftermath of adultery, I asked the offended wife if she could ever forget the events. She paused before slowly responding, “At this point I don’t believe it’s possible for me to forget but I see that God is redeeming the pain through the memories. Another wounded wife asked me to help her forgive her husband when she realized I knew how she felt almost better than she did – because I had been where she is. I don’t want to go back into the memories, but God commands me to comfort others with the comfort I have been given. Remembering the anguish reminds me of God’s comfort and grace and that gives other wounded women hope.”
Her husband commented, “Any time my wife needs to revisit the events of that time and needs reassurance of my repentance and commitment to our marriage, I willingly go there with her. It’s the least I can do in light of the pain I caused her.”
Forgiving is an act of faith. Living out forgiveness by forgetting God’s way, that is, refusing to treat the offender the way they deserve is an act of the will, practiced moment by moment as we walk the pathway of life marked out for each of us by our God.
Adapted from the message: Adapted from the message: The Subliminal Secrets of a Godly Marriage, #07-07 by Dr. Chuck Betters, pastor/teacher, MARK INC Ministries. To view this message online, visit www.lightsource.com.
Dr. Chuck Betters has been the pastor of Glasgow Reformed Presbyterian Church in Bear, Delaware since 1986. He has a daily radio program, airing since 1994, In His Grip, which can be accessed online at www.markinc.org. Along with the development of numerous audio and video resources designed to help heal broken hearts, he is co-author of Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God’s Promises, a Bible study of Hebrews 11. Visit www.markinc.org.
