I was such a miserable young man! I knew my life was messed up and filled with foolish fleshly indulgences. Oh yes, I did want to change, at least at times I did. I had actually prayed words to the effect: "God, help me clean up my sordid life -- but just not yet." I was afraid that you, God, would take me at my word and deliver me, and I wasn't ready to let go of a lot of things. Not quite yet. And, yes, it must be admitted that I carried with me a heavy baggage of pride.

Yet, I was so exercised within. At times I would even begin to draw close to you. All my excuses for not doing so were so empty. But still I was not ready and all I could do was tremble in silence. I told all this to my friend Alypius. "What is wrong with us," I said to him. "People with far less education than we have find their way to God. Just because they found it before we did, is that what makes us turn away?" At that time we lived in a rented house and the landlord didn't live there, so we had full use of the place, including the garden and grounds. So we went outside, as I felt driven to go out there. I felt like I was going crazy. I could not hide from myself what a wretched person I was. I was dying -- dying to grasp hold of true life. Alypius came with me. He could plainly see how distraught I was and I knew he would not desert me.

What Was Happening To Me?
Deep within my bones I was reaching out to you, Lord. I wanted nothing more. But at the same time I was still holding back. What was happening to me? What did I really want? Then I thought of this comparison. If in my mind I think I want to raise my hand, or move my foot -- they obey me. So why couldn't my heart respond to that which I wanted most? There was a war going on inside me. I wanted you and desired your forgiveness more than anything, yet for some reason I still held back from you. It is not that there was a good me and a bad me inside struggling against each other. It was just plain me that was my problem. It made me sick. I laid out the case against myself far more honestly that I would normally be inclined to do. At the same time I know that it was you Lord pressing in upon me with a severe mercy that exposed how deep was my fear and my shame. So I wavered back and forth. At one moment ready to draw near to you and the next moment turning away. After all, I had a lot of practice going my own selfish way. So when I was on the verge of letting go and approaching you, I would then recoil with horror.

Tormenting Doubts
The truth of the matter is that there remained a lot of immature toys in my life that I still treasured. They were like mistresses to me. It seemed as if my vices had voices, and those voices were whispering to me: "Do you really want to send us away? Don't you know how much you will miss us?" And how skilled they were in bringing up old memories! They would not leave me alone. I had become so accustomed to these childish things in my life, it seemed as though I could not live without them. Thus, I continued to be blown back and forth, continually wavering. Still I could not get your way out of my mind either. Your way seemed to promise something far more joyful and liberating -- and amazingly -- it seemed almost within reach and ready to embrace me with a sincere welcoming hug. So somehow I sensed I did not need to go it alone, that you were ready to receive and heal me. But the whispers of those familiar toys would not be silenced. I could see the pleasures they promised to keep giving me. But were they to be compared with what would be found in my turning to God?

The Enemy Within
Thus the fierce argument and civil war in the depth of my soul raged on -- my self was fighting against my own self. Meanwhile Alypius just sat by with quiet patience. My thoughts reached into the very depths of my soul and piled up misery within my heart. A mighty emotional storm engulfed me and I wept uncontrollably. Needing privacy, so I would not be embarrassed, I slipped away from Alypius, removing myself far enough from him that I wouldn't have to worry about him seeing me in this dreadful state. He knew something very serious was going on within me, so he just stayed where he was -- quite bewildered by it all. I threw myself to the ground under a fig tree where I could let it all out. The tears continued to gush forth -- which now I see as a kind of sacrifice I was offering to you.