Yesterday whilst zipping about the web I saw a story headlined, "Psychotherapist Analyzes Why Church is So Boring." I didn't read the story because who gives a sprung couch spring---but then this morning I woke up imagining what Dr. Pill wrote in his notebook as he sat in the church service he analyzed. Maybe his notes looked something like this:

Benches too hard. Pew. P.U. Potty issues?

Men in suits. Church just another job?

Opening song: Awful. Rock of Aged. What about Stones, Clapton. Bob Marley? Polka? Anything.

Church announcements/biz. Meetings, meetings, meetingszzzzzzzz. Need scandal, gossip! Missed opp.

"Kidz Tyme." (Why can't Johnny's dad spell?) Years for kids to finally gather up front. Mr. Child Relate tells story about choosing right present, or presenting right choice, or righting present choice. Yawnfest. Kids seem to enjoy! But at what cost?

Another song?! Worst rock concert EVER!!!

Sermon. So this is how Christians condition selves to experience eternity. I miss music.

People asking for prayers. Not boring. Cried a little. (Pray for cancer lady.) Put in more of this.

Another song. A.N.O.T.H.E.R.F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G.S.O.N.G!.!.!.!. I would buy this church a karaoke machine. Will.

Pass hat time. Please, God: buy music lessons for Lead Zeppelin.

Bread and wine time. Wine to vinegar if any slower. Seconds on wine ok? Cheez Whiz? Lox? (Hell for me?)

Final goodbye---go, be blessing to world, bore people into believing etc. Procession out: Plod of the Half-Dead. Must shake pastor's hand. (Germs?)

Verdict? Not exactly Circ de' Soul.

And yet. (!!!)

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This morning I received a message from a new e-friend, Tammy Lubbers, whose Facebook page is here.

"You wrote a book about punctuation?" she wrote. [She is referring to Comma Sense, a book that I don't think it immodest of me to acknowledge has made me famous throughout my house.] I KNEW I liked you! I've decided to begin a petition to eradicate apostrophes, as they are rarely used correctly. Want to join?"

I was appalled; I was aghast; I was mortified; I was eating a bowl of Life cereal, which is perfectly named since it's not quite sweet enough.

Milk flying everywhere, I fired back this missile of a missive:

"God, no. I LOVE and constantly use the semicolon; I wholly depend upon it. SEE?! You start a club about how to use [the semicolon] correctly, and I'm your man. But eradicate it? No, no, no, no, no. We only have 13 punctuation marks, total. I NEED the semicolon. NEED, I SAY!!!"

My wife Catherine thinks I'm insane about punctuation. She's wrong, of course. Period.

Now then. As a reader of my blog, I know that you are a literate: sophisticated, educated, knowledgable knowledgible smart. And Mrs. Lubbers, I happen to know, isn't exactly a drooling admirer of shiny objects. So I ask: What think you of this move I have reason to know is burgeoning out there, of eradicating the semicolon? Are you for that? Is anyone? Do people really not know how to use this noblest (if most finicky) of punctuation marks?

If more of you vote for eradicating than saving the semicolon, I will swallow my protests, bow to your will, and see to it that the semicolon vanishes from use.

That's right. I can do that. They don't let just anybody write those books, you know.

So what say you, reader? Thumbs up or down for Ye Oldye Semicolon?

Related to this is my completely excellent When Punctuation Goes Really, Really Wrong.

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Many people relish the Holiday Family Gathering. Ideally we would all relish it---but, alas, for many attending a HFG is like going to the dentist: unavoidable, uncomfortable, painful, disturbingly intrusive, and way too much about what you do and don't eat.

Mostly, of course, both visits are all about enduring it while your open nerves get poked at and jabbed.

Does thinking about an upcoming family gathering make you want to hide beneath a lead blanket and start spitting? Good ---because times of emotional stress are the times to heed Jesus.

Bearing that truth in mind, let us turn to the Beatitudes from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, that perfect distillation of his overall message to the world. At the beginning of each beatitude, Jesus teaches us one aspect of who we should strive to become in order to more fully manifest him. So let's consider what role each beatitude might play in our attitude, in order to preclude our getting stewed, blued, in a feud (or booed!) when for the holidays we meet with our brood.

Don't seclude; be renewed!

Annoy your readers, so they'll attend St. Peter's!

Please forgive me; I have some sort of ... organic rhyming dysfunction.

Here's what Jesus teaches us at Matthew 5:3-12, and how we can use it to this year be a blessing to ourselves and our families when we meet with them over the holidays.

Blessed are the poor in spirit. We tend to go into family gatherings pretty keyed up. We feel intense, alert, super-sensitive to everything everybody says and does; when we hear, "You're here!" our spidey senses kick fully on. But that's exactly the opposite of being "poor in spirit"; that's being too rich in spirit. At its core that's all about ego. Before stepping into your family gathering, take a minute, take a breath, and fill yourself with the Holy Spirit---which eradicates your grubby, score-keeping ego spirit, and brings in its place the spirit of Jesus. And if there's one thing Jesus showed us, it's that it's all about wanting and keeping nothing for yourself.

Blessed are those who mourn. Again, this is about the Holy Spirit filling you with the understanding that everything of this world---including your family---is temporary. Centering yourself within that truth gives you the clarity to appreciate that everyone in your family is just like everyone else in the world: in need of constant, absolute, and perfect love. That's a hunger that can't get met on earth. And that fact does inform the human experience with a very great sadness. Know that. Be with that. Let the truth of that flow through you, so that you treat the members of your family not as people with whom you have your own specific, tangled history, but as co-travelers through what is, after all, this veil of tears we call life.

Blessed are the meek. Don't fight. Don't provoke. Don't defend. Don't insist that your thoughts and opinions are given their full weight. Let every last bit of that go. Allow others to go before you. Let others have the floor. Let others be right and strong and firm and clear in whatever way it's important for them to be so. Support them in an unqualified way. Instead of saying the words your ego-self is first inclined to, say what you know would most please the other person. Why not? If Jesus can sacrifice his life in order for you to be reconciled with God, you can surely sacrifice a bit of yourself in order to promote harmony within your family.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Always look to, point at, emphasize, and celebrate the good. Forget everything else; for the time that you are with your family, allow all negativity to mean to you nothing whatsoever. Be the person who clearly aligns themselves with what's right and true and just. Listen to the Holy Spirit, who will always carry you to where God is most fully manifested. Maybe that will be in the way your mother works so hard. Maybe it will be in the physical grace with which your father or brother moves. Whatever and wherever it is, find it. There's God! Be with Him, and then be with them.

Blessed are the merciful. No mystery here. Forgive, forgive, forgive till it hurts. Why shouldn't you? You're no angel. None of us is. We've all done more wrong things than there are numbers to count them. Forgive everyone in your family. When it comes to our proper relationship to our family members, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do," should be tattooed on our hearts. They didn't know. They couldn't. None of us can. Our only hope is forgive each other the way Christ forgave us all.

Blessed are the pure in heart. Don't let the negative stay with you. When you see something that's nasty or snarky or interested only in itself heading your way, step aside, and let it roll right past. Wave to it as it goes by---and then turn your attention back to the Holy Spirit within you. That is God---who, the Bible tells us, is love. There's the source of your perpetually renewed purity.

Blessed are the peacemakers. It's not possible to feel truly loving and forgiving without then acting upon that feeling. Show that the peace of the Lord is upon you by becoming the means by which others find peace between themselves. You can't force that sort of thing, of course. But if you keep your loving heart open to it, you are guaranteed to find among your family members constant little revelations that, like all people, all they really want is to exist harmoniously with those nearest them. Guide the members of your family back together. Carefully and sensitively minister to their desire for reconciliation. Be bold about it, too: don't be afraid to out-and-out suggest to someone whom they should forgive what, and exactly why. Sometimes you really do have to make peace. Whatever it takes. But you be the one to do it. And you start it, too: share with members of your family why you're so pleased to take full responsibility for something that in the past went wrong between you and them. So what if it's not really that cut and dried? It's close enough. Let go of the wrong that tries to claim you as its own. Make peace.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness. Being truly right and loving can be truly lonely. So what? You don't serve God because it feels good, or because of the great rewards that come with sacrifice. You serve God's will because you know it's the right and best thing to do. And sometimes that hurts. Which is fair: a sacrifice that feels good, after all, is no sacrifice at all. The devil takes a very acute interest in the person who aligns himself with God. You know that---so prepare for it. And how do you do that? By not even trying to fight the ever-wily devil yourself, but rather getting out of the way, and allowing God to bring the full measure of himself against Mr. Horny Head. That you will be persecuted on account of your aligning yourself with righteousness isn't in question. The question is whether or not you can continue to feel blessed whilst that persecution is under way. And the quickest, surest way to do that is to remember how horribly Christ was treated. The simple, healing truth is that we are most like Christ when we are being persecuted the most. So don't worry if your family, for instance, in any way derides you for your belief and faith in God. Just smile--and laugh, even, as you acknowledge the validity of how your passion for God must look to them. Just remain with the Lord, and like day follows night he'll lead you back into Eden.

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Above are both sides of a business card I found today on my car's windshield. (Notice the misspelling of "compassionate" on one side, and "prescription" on the other. Proof, yet again, that stoners don't use spell check.)

I've lived in California all of my life---in Cupertino, San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley, Santa Cruz, Los Angeles, San Diego. I know from stoners. But this is new. This is stoners and doctors joining forces. Before this, the only thing doctors and stoners had in common was that they both used these things:

Now finding a licensed physician in California who will write you a prescription for "medical" marijuana is like finding a homeless person who'll take a dollar you offer them. Not exactly a challenge. You write Dr. Roachclip a check ($99!); he writes you your prescription for pot.

Badda-bing, bodda-bong.

And look! Once you've got your pot prescription, you never have to leave your house!

A silver lining on this dark cloud is that if you've got financial worries, they're over. All you have to do is invest every last penny you have in Cheetoes and frozen pizzas. Now.

I fear our standards are slipping so low we'll soon have none at all. God help us remember and be loyal to His desires for us.

Related posts o' mine: Proof People Get Stoned at Work, and My Visit to a Marijuana Anonymous Meeting.

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