No matter how good you think the communication is between you and your children, stepchildren, or even grandchildren, after a divorce there are some things kids just won't tell you?secrets kids desperately want you to know and understand, but probably don't feel comfortable talking about.

As a youth pastor's wife for more than sixteen years, I've had the opportunity to talk with hundreds of kids who poured out their hearts to me about the things they wanted to say but couldn't tell their divorced parents. Here are some of those secret thoughts.

Children of divorce often feel isolated. After the divorce, they wear a smile around mom and dad to keep peace in the family, but inside they're miserable. To cope with their pain, they may withdraw, become angry, and fight with whomever crosses their path. Or they may clown excessively, deny reality, delve into overachievement, or conform with their peers to minimize how "different" they feel from everyone else.

Ask the child how he or she honestly feels about the divorce. Point out it's okay to feel angry or sad. And don't expect a child to feel the same way the involved adults do.

Go through old photo albums and dig out those wedding pictures. It's important for kids of all ages to know they were wanted and enjoyed. Reassure the child there were happy times, that his or her father or mother both had strong and decent qualities the other loved.

"I don't know why my mom and dad ever got married," a teen told me. "I used to think I was adopted because there was no way they could have stopped fighting long enough to have me!"

"For good or bad, people sometimes change," I answered him. "Ask your mom about the days when they fell in love. Maybe they were too immature to get married, and maybe they did have fights, but none of that changes the fact you're here and you're special. God created you for a purpose."

Real love can last forever, but too few people take time to discover what it really involves.

Parents who aren't getting along will fight over the issues involved in parenting. To a child listening through the walls, it may seem every fight is his or her fault. Younger children are more likely than older kids to blame themselves for a divorce, but all children need to know most arguments about them result from problems in the marriage, not the other way around.

Kids, by definition, lack maturity. They don't know how to "be angry and not sin" (Eph. 4:26, Psa. 4:4, NKJV). Many times they can't even verbalize why or at whom they're angry.

Let kids know anger is natural?we can't control our feelings. But we can control our actions and talk about what's hurt us and our reactions. Ask direct questions: "Are you angry because your father can't see you this weekend? Are you angry because you think your mother's spending too much time at work?" By analyzing what they're feeling, children can begin to recognize and master that powerful emotion.

Children whose homes were a living nightmare often rejoice when their parents divorce. They're thankful they won't have to call the police again to stop the fighting, and relieved to know an abusive or alcoholic parent no longer will create havoc in the home.

But as time passes, that initial relief may fade into guilt, especially if Dad ends up in jail or Mom cries from loneliness. A child may feel like a traitor.

If this is the situation, encourage the child not to hate or fear the absent parent, but to pray for him or her. Everyone in the family needs time to heal and learn new ways of coping with problems. Assure the child that though some problems seem insurmountable, Christ is there, walking with them through the tough spots.