Dear Dr. David,

My wife and I were recently reunited and remarried after a year and a half apart.  She divorced me because of issues that I had with pornography and she was having an affair with a coworker. We tried counseling, but divorced, remaining friends because of our daughter. As time has gone on, we began spending more and more time together and were remarried one week ago today.

I didn’t fully know what to expect but knew that things wouldn't be smooth instantaneously.  I had some inkling that something had gone on while we were separated/divorced but never asked the question directly.  But last night, she told me that she had been with this same married coworker on several different occasions. So now I am faced with fear and anger that she got sexually involved with me and didn't think to tell me before we got married.

Recently my wife told me that she still has feelings for him, but knows that getting back with me is what is right.  However, she calls him because she wants to know if there is any reason why we should be tested for STD’s.  I heard her tell him she was sorry that she hurt his feelings, but didn't know why it was such a big deal.  My wife doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but I’m the one who takes all of the pain and is supposed to function as if nothing has happened. I feel scared, weak and betrayed, and am unsure how to handle this situation. ~ Betrayed 

Dear Betrayed,

Your letter indicates that it has not at all been easy, and you’ve overcome many obstacles to get to where you are. There are still more hurdles to overcome.

You and your wife have courageously shared secrets with one another. With all of them out in the open, they cannot continue to haunt you. You can now choose how to effectively deal with them, as I’m sure you will do.

Your biggest concern, understandably, is your wife’s ongoing relationship with her previous involvement. I concur heartily that this is unwise, and opens the door for trouble. Not only does it flaunt her past in front of you, keeping your wound open, but she leaves herself open to further infatuations and enticements.

Regarding testing for STDs, you would be wise to proceed with the testing so you can move forward, ending needless speculation.

Finally, I strongly encourage you to insist she end this friendship. Let her know how painful it is to you to have her carry on this friendship, and insist that you both resume counseling to learn how to set healthier boundaries in your marriage. Please read my book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You for more information on healthy boundaries in marriage, and God bless you both as you strive to reconcile completely.