Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

I don't know if I need help or a way out. I have been married to my husband for nine years and have come to dislike him. When we met he told me he wanted a marriage where he could be the man God meant for him to be. I was impressed and naive at the same time. I was a single mother of two when we got married. Soon after I found out things about him I would have never imagined he could do. It started with his addiction to alcohol which he hid during the two years we were dating.

In the beginning he was having a hard time, so I supported him as well as I could emotionally. He ignored my effort to love and pray him through this. By the third year I felt like I had been tricked by the wolf in sheep's clothing. Every year got worse and my patience and love were waning.

In the last three years I left to live with my mother twice. The last time I came back, I found out that he had a female friend calling the house the night I came back. He says he has not committed adultery, but I don't believe him. He has lied so many times about changing his life, I felt I could not trust him. He stated he wants to reconcile, but I am not very interested. I pray but haven’t gotten an answer or don't recognize it.   ~ Feeling Tricked

Dear Tricked,

It is certainly not hard to understand why you no longer like this man. And while I’m truly sorry you are hurting, I can’t help but wonder how much of this problem you’ve brought upon yourself. You note that you were “impressed and naïve,” which is easy to understand. When we want something, or someone, we see what we want to see—this is called naiveté. All of us have been overly impressed and attracted to something or someone, setting the stage to be fooled.

The Apostle James, however, says we are tempted by our own desires, and then “after desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin.” (James 1: 14) Is it possible that you were anxious to see something in this man that wasn’t really there?

You also indicate that he hid his alcoholism from you for two years. Again, while this is certainly possible, I suspect there were plenty of signs you didn’t want to see. An alcoholic, and any addict for that matter, has character traits that can be detected. Again, perhaps your lack of experience, and denial, caused you not to see the warning signs.

You write that you separated twice. Did you insist on counseling so that your marriage would change? While setting boundaries by leaving is a start, returning without significant change is naïve. How could he be anything different than when you left if there was no intervention in the interim? You must insist on change, and have a definite plan for how those changes are going to take place.

Finally, you mention distrusting your husband regarding his fidelity. Distrust, in this case, sounds warranted. Here you’ve listened to your heart and senses, and this sounds like the beginning of wisdom. “Sensible people keep their eyes glued on wisdom, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.” (Proverbs 17:24)

Again, stop doing things the way you’ve always done them. This is naïve, foolish and will only lead to heartache. As I suggest in my book, When Trying to Change Him is Hurting You, we cannot expect our mate to change unless we change how we interact with them. Insist on counseling to address the myriad problems which exist in your marriage. While things can be different, you must change the way you interact. You must seek help for your codependency, (desire to see things the way you want them to be,) set healthy boundaries, and seek intervention for your husband’s addiction and likely unfaithfulness. With these changes, you will be able to view your marriage from a stronger perspective.