Let’s put this all together. Catching yourselves in your old conflict pattern is good, but it’s not good enough. Listening to and believing your spouse’s truth is also good, but it’s not good enough either. These steps are not good enough because two more major steps are necessary for working through a conflict.

Stop Temporarily When You’ve Lost It

When I say “lost it,” I mean at least one of you is breaking the rules. You’re not listening. You’re distracted. You’re interrupting. You’re too angry, and you’re yelling. You are making personal attacks. You’re clamming up and shutting down.

You’re reverting back to your role in the old conflict pattern, and you are not believing your partner’s truth.

When a conflict conversation gets off track, even a little bit, you need to stop temporarily. Unless you stop briefly, you are not going to be able to gear down and get back on track. The conflict will get worse, and you’ll end up making a bigger mess. It’s approaching the point of no return.

Can you imagine the following? One of you says, “I’m angry, I’m out of control, but wait…I’m noticing I have a problem, I’m regaining my poise and control, and I’m lowering my voice. Sorry about that, my dear. Now, where were we?” Dream on. It doesn’t work this way. No one can do that. When you lose it, you get mean and nasty. So do I.

The Stop-and-Start Method

Every significant conflict, like every good conversation, is a process. You do not get through it in one unbroken sitting. You need to take breaks when you get off track. Get alone to cool off and process. Let understanding resonate and take hold.

The issues and feelings that arise in a conflict are deep and make you vulnerable. Both the husband and the wife need breaks to think, evaluate, search their souls, talk to God, consider each other’s point of view, pull themselves together, and get a grip.

A healthy conflict conversation could last several hours. It’s more likely to last a couple of days, especially if it’s a big conflict. Ideally, you want to clear your anger out by the end of the first day (Ephesians 4:26), but the rest of the process usually lasts longer.

You must revisit the issue until you’ve worked it through completely. This will be particularly tough for the spouse who wants to resolve the conflict right away. “Right away” and marital conflict don’t go together. Most men are particularly slow processors in a conflict.

Take breaks! Conflict is like a grueling physical sport. It could be an Olympic event, but who’d want to watch? Talk through a conflict in short spurts.

Take a break when you mess up—when you catch yourselves in your old conflict pattern, when you start fighting over whose version is the truth, when one of you starts yelling, when one of you isn’t listening and reflecting.

Take a break after one partner has shared his side. Let the fragile understanding you just achieved take root.

Take a break after both of you have shared and understood your two versions of the truth. This break is good preparation for the final step in the conflict-resolution process.

Let’s Make a Deal

Many times, talking through your feelings and points of view is enough to resolve a conflict. You don’t have to do anything else. But sometimes you both need to agree on a deal, a plan of action to handle the situation.

Making a deal is important, so take a break after you’ve achieved understanding of your two truths. Set a time to come back together. Process on your own. Think about what’s been said. Consider any changes in your position. Pray for guidance. Think of possible solutions and compromises.

When you return to talk, pray for God’s help. Make a deal that is specific and measurable. Don’t say, “Let’s try harder.” No one knows what that means.

In our previous example with Bill and Bertha, the compromise might be, “Let’s agree to not share any financial information with anyone without our spouse’s permission.”

Make every deal on a trial basis. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, return to the table and renegotiate. Either spouse can call for a renegotiation.

If you don’t learn how to resolve conflict, your marriage will slowly die. It will choke on smoldering resentments and bitterness. If you do learn how to resolve conflict, your marriage will be free to grow and prosper. It will be alive and refreshed with closeness and passion.

Dr. David E. Clarke is a popular speaker and the author of several books, including Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars and A Marriage After God's Own Heart. A Christian psychologist with a private practice, he holds a master's degree in biblical studies and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. He and his wife, Sandy, have four children.